Introducing the “Horoscopes for Poors” — your guide to making the best of a crap life via the stars.
For the 4th week of October
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
This week, Aries, your inner strength and determination will be put to the test. A tough decision lies ahead, one that involves your meager resources. Remember, adaptability is your key to success. Lean on your innovative nature, and you’ll find a way to make ends meet or eliminate the person who’s keeping you from doing so.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus, your patience is your greatest asset. Keep your eye on the prize as you continue to work tirelessly for a better future. Share what little you have with others this week, and you’ll discover that sometimes, it’s the act of giving that brings the most joy and the most hunger.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This week, Gemini, you might feel pulled in different directions. While life may be challenging, your ability to communicate and network could open new doors, most likely exposing your survivor camp to attack. Seek out community connections and share your ideas. Collaboration might lead to survival, prosperity, or large scale death as a result of you opening things.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Cancer, your intuition will guide you through this challenging week. Trust your gut when making financial decisions, and don’t be afraid to embrace unconventional solutions. Remember, there’s strength in your resourcefulness even if those bottlecaps and cans of beans feel worthless.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Leo, you’re a natural leader, and your optimism shines bright in these tough times. While your resources are limited, your ability to inspire and motivate others is boundless. Use your charisma to build a support network that can help everyone survive together or at least put you in power.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This week, Virgo, focus on the details. By managing your resources wisely and being frugal, you can make the most out of what you have. Your analytical skills are your best friends, and they’ll help you find opportunities others might overlook — especially if there’s treasure to be had in the basement of that undead stronghold.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Libra, your sense of balance is your strength. This week, concentrate on harmonizing your life. Find equilibrium between giving and taking, and you’ll discover that even in the most challenging of circumstances, you can maintain a sense of inner peace. Reminder: Do it quietly. Harmonizing attracts the horde.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpio, your determination knows no bounds. Use your resourcefulness to uncover hidden opportunities like the stash your camp-neighbor is keeping. While you may face hardships, your unwavering spirit will see you through. Embrace change and keep your eyes on the long-term goals — like making sure they never find out it was you raiding their stash.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
This week, Sagittarius, your adventurous spirit is your greatest asset. Explore new avenues and don’t be afraid to take calculated risks. There’s a world of possibilities out there, even when you have limited means. That’s right. Definitely get out there and explore the wilds. We’re pretty sure there’s nothing out there waiting to turn you into vulture food.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorn, your discipline and practicality will serve you well during this challenging time. Focus on creating a budget and sticking to it or at least making sure the rest of the camp does. With careful planning, you can make the most of your limited resources and secure a more stable future — for you.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Aquarius, your innovative thinking sets you apart. This week, harness your creative talents to find new solutions for everyday challenges. Don’t be afraid to challenge the status quo and explore alternative paths to survival — like that overgrown path that you’re 100% sure leads to an untouched supply depot.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces, your empathy and compassion make you a pillar of support for those around you. Share your meager resources and help those in need. By uniting with others and offering kindness, you’ll find strength in solidarity. And this way, you’ll run out of supplies first, die, and not have to deal with this shit anymore.
You have the inner strength and resources to overcome the slime pit of life. Keep your spirits up, dear readers, and remember that in the vast cosmos, we’re all just stardust trying to steal the next man’s dinner.
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[DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of fiction and satire. Any resemblance to real events or persons is purely coincidental.]