Introducing the “Horoscopes for Poors” — your guide to making the best of a crap life via the stars.
For the 2nd week of November
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
This week, your fiery spirit will come in handy when outrunning hordes. Avoid back alleys; they’re notorious for surprise encounters. Love is in the air, or perhaps it’s just the smell of rotting flesh. Either way, it’s a great time to meet someone new, especially if they know where to find clean water and a good escape route.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Financial stability is a thing of the past, but you’ll find a shiny coin in the ruins, which will make a great conversation piece at the next scavenger meet. Your stubbornness might save you from a risky trade for expired food.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Communication is key this week. You’ll finally fix that old radio and pick up a broadcast from a survivor colony. Don’t get your hopes up; it’s mostly infomercials from corporations selling luxury bunkers to the rich.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Home is where the heart is, and your heart is currently surrounded by the undead. It’s a great week to fortify your shelter. Emotional connections might be strained, but remember, sharing your last protein bar can go a long way.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your leadership skills will be tested when a debate breaks out over whether to trust a wealthy stranger claiming to have a zombie cure. Spoiler: he doesn’t. But your charisma will prevent a full-blown riot.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This week is all about self-care, which means checking your supplies for mold and ensuring your gas mask filters are clean. A surprise find in a deserted pharmacy will boost your spirits — who knew expired meds could be so exciting?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Balance is crucial, especially when crossing the remnants of a bridge with a horde on your tail. Romance is not recommended this week unless your crush is proficient in hand-to-hand combat and chain-mail repair.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’ve always been resourceful, and this week is no exception. You’ll fashion a new weapon from scrap metal, which will be the envy of your survivor group. Just don’t let it go to your head; humility is key to avoid being raided.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Adventure calls, but so does the horde. Stick close to home this week. A chance encounter with a roving band of poets will add some much-needed levity. Their limericks are surprisingly good.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Practical as ever, you’ll devise a new rainwater collection system. It’s not exactly the corporate exploitation you’re used to, but it’s something. Avoid making deals with mysterious figures in cloaks; they’re never as trustworthy as they seem and usually naked underneath.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Your innovative ideas will come in handy when the group needs to distract an undead flash mob. Who knew disco could still be useful? Your humanitarian side will shine, even if it’s just sharing your last flashlight battery.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Intuition is your best friend this week. You’ll sense a new path to the safe zone, avoiding the usual pitfalls — and people. Emotional support is vital; listen to your friends’ conspiracy theories about the rich with a sympathetic ear.
You have the inner strength and resources to overcome the slime pit of life. Keep your spirits up, dear readers, and remember that in the vast cosmos, we’re all just stardust trying to steal the next man’s dinner.
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[DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of fiction and satire. Any resemblance to real events or persons is purely coincidental.]