In an audacious move that redefines ‘naughty or nice,’ a group of young survivors in the old Los Angeles tar pit sector have issued a stark ultimatum to Santa Claus: fulfill their extravagant holiday wish list or face the wrath of a zombie horde, meticulously directed to his North Pole residence.
The world, following the undead outbreak, has witnessed many peculiar adaptations. But none quite as bizarre as this recent development, where children, disillusioned by the collapse of societal structures and a conspicuous absence of parental supervision, have taken negotiations into their own hands.
Armed with nothing but sheer Christmas rage and a surprisingly in-depth understanding of undead behavior, these children have managed to corral a sizable group of zombies. According to one outspoken member of the group, 10-year-old Mia, “If Santa thinks he can skip our houses just because the world’s gone to shit, he’s got another thing coming!”
Reports suggest that these young negotiators have compiled a list of demands that includes everything from basic survival gear to ludicrously lavish items reminiscent of the world before. High-tech gadgets, long-extinct toys, an unfathomable amount of sweets, and even a request for a helicopter have made the list.
Experts in post-apocalyptic ethics have weighed in, with Dr. Jared Wanigas noting, “It’s fascinating to see the shift in expectations. In a world where they’d been expected to just be grateful for drawing breath, these children are creating their own narrative. It’s disturbing, but I have no desire to upset them — as many of them know where I reside.”
Meanwhile, at the North Pole, “sources close to Santa” report a flurry of activity and an air of tension as the “jolly old elf” (read: the surviving parents) consults with his team of “elves” (read: local leadership). One anonymous elf shared, “We’re used to Christmas demands, but this is something else. Negotiating with kids is tough at the best of times, but when they’ve got a zombie army? I mean…as long as they don’t find out he’s not real, the rest of us should be safe.”
As the countdown to Christmas continues, the world watches with bated breath. Will “Santa” cave to the demands of these pint-sized present-hungry pariahs, or will “he” find a way to negotiate peace and goodwill? Only time will tell, but one thing is certain: We’ll be watching the remainder of the I-5 corridor for the unmistakable stench and cacophony of an undead army .
In the midst of everything, these children have shown a side that has many parents and guardians stocking up on weapons this holiday season. Whether their tactics will bring them the joy and comfort they seek remains to be seen, but their message is clear: “We have an army. Choose wisely, fat man.”
