In a shocking turn of events that has left the financial world and fight fans alike in a state of disbelief, Bank of the Gods LLC (BOTG) has officially surrendered half of its East Coast properties following a devastating cage fight loss to none other than GristMill Foods East (GMF-E).
The saga began when Bank of the Gods, known for its questionable financial services and insanely high interest rates, decided to challenge GristMill Foods East, an equally large and even less humble corporation that makes artisanal gruel and organic ash chips. The idea of a financial institution taking on a snack provider in the Masterdome cage seemed absurd, but apparently CEO, Marcus Greywaller demanded the fight after a potential partner meeting went south.
The bout took place in the Masterdome, a structure that used to be known as Madison Square Garden, but has since been reduced to a decrepit, makeshift arena famous for hosting epic fights to the death featuring individual combat-champions hired and trained by coporations.
The crowd could feel the tension in the air as Wallace “The Meat Grinder” Matheson (BOTG), decked out in a golden robe and loin cloth, faced off against GristMill Foods own Olivia “Octocron” Osprey, who was wearing her trademark leather armor and horned helmet, circle each other speechless for no less than 8 minutes.
The fight itself was an unblievable sight. Matheson strutted into the ring, flexing his biceps and bragging about his net worth, while Osprey calmly kneeled appearing to meditate center-ring. The audience’s doubts about her ability to dish out punishment quickly dissipated.
The battle raged on for nearly 60 secons, with Matheson throwing wads of cash and fancy credit cards to distract Osprey, who in one fluid motion, rose from her knees to deliver a flawless front kick to the center of Matheson’s esophagus, killing him instantly. The crowd sat in stunned silence until the referee, recovered from the shock, counted him out, and the crowd erupted in a chorus of “Octo-cron! Octo-cron!”
As per the terms of the pre-fight agreement, BOTG was forced to surrender half of its East Coast properties to GMF-E within 7 days. These properties included luxury skyscrapers, beachfront resorts, and even a private island in the Hamptons. The financial institution’s balance sheet has been severely dented, and the loss has sent shockwaves through the world of high finance.
In response to the defeat, Greywaller issued a statement, saying, “I may have lost the fight, but I’ve gained a newfound appreciation for hiring the right fighter. I will be incorporating a more rigorous combat-champion screening system, because man…Matheson was awful.”
Meanwhile, Osprey was seen celebrating her victory by distributing free smoked neckbones because, well, it’s hilarious. “Ha ha…ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (inhales deeply)…Hahaha…ha ha ha ha ha ha ha,” she quipped.
The battle between Bank of the Gods LLC and GristMill Foods East will go down in history as one of the most unexpected and entertaining financial showdowns of all time. It’s a reminder that in the world of business, you never know where the next challenge will come from, and sometimes, the best way to settle a dispute is to put your figher where your mouth is….um, wait.
—
[DISCLAIMER: This article is a work of fiction and satire. Any resemblance to real events or persons is purely coincidental.]
