Introducing the "Horoscopes for Poors" — your guide to making the best of a crap life via the stars. For the 4th week of October Aries (March 21 - April 19) This week, Aries, your inner strength and determination will be put to the test. A tough decision lies ahead, one that involves your meager resources. Remember, adaptability is your key to success. Lean on your innovative nature, and you'll find a way to make ends meet or eliminate the person who's keeping you from doing so. Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Taurus, your patience is your greatest asset. Keep your eye on the prize as you continue to work tirelessly for a better future. Share what little you have with others this week, and you'll discover that sometimes, it's the act of giving that brings the most joy and the most hunger. Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This week, Gemini, you might feel pulled in different directions. While life may be challenging, your ability to communicate and network could open new doors,…

In the post-apocalyptic world, amidst the chaos, rubble, and scarcity, one question has been plaguing our readers: Where should all the boo boo go? Yes, folks, we're talking about that most pressing and peculiar concern – the proper disposal of poop in these trying times. Back in the day, you'd simply flush it away or let it disappear into the sewage system. But in this new world of desolation, disarray, and despair, the once-convenient plumbing system is nothing more than a memory. So, what's a survivor to do when nature calls and there's nowhere to answer? I embarked on a mission, equipped with my makeshift shovel and trusty microphone, to uncover the secrets of where the boo boo should go in this brave new world. I stumbled upon a group of survivors who referred to themselves as the "Poo Posse." Their leader, Lawrence, proudly declared, "We've made it our mission to tackle this issue head-on — or butt first." The Posse's first and most crucial solution was a revelation: the DIY Doo Doo Drop. In…

The Longhorn Tower High-Rise, in the Dallas city-camp, is a towering monolith of privilege and disparity, standing as a glaring symbol of inequality. A city once celebrated for its southern charm and cowboy spirit had devolved to where the working class found themselves pushed to the brink, literally and figuratively, and Longhorn Tower high-rise bore the brunt of their discontent. The working class toiled tirelessly to supply all the amenities and comforts while the elites lived in opulence at the apex of the towering high-rise. Longhorn Tower, a testament to excess, stood as a glaring reminder of the privileged few who resided there. Faced with unbearable living conditions, limited access to basic amenities, absolutely no admittance to any part of the tower when not a function of one of the few jobs they were allowed, and a society that had abandoned them, they united to fight for their right to live with dignity. The working class, or "floor poors" as referred to by tower residents, struck fear into the hearts of the elite by storming…

In an audacious move that redefines 'naughty or nice,' a group of young survivors in the old Los Angeles tar pit sector have issued a stark ultimatum to Santa Claus: fulfill their extravagant holiday wish list or face the wrath of a zombie horde, meticulously directed to his North Pole residence. The world, following the undead outbreak, has witnessed many peculiar adaptations. But none quite as bizarre as this recent development, where children, disillusioned by the collapse of societal structures and a conspicuous absence of parental supervision, have taken negotiations into their own hands. Armed with nothing but sheer Christmas rage and a surprisingly in-depth understanding of undead behavior, these children have managed to corral a sizable group of zombies. According to one outspoken member of the group, 10-year-old Mia, "If Santa thinks he can skip our houses just because the world's gone to shit, he's got another thing coming!" Reports suggest that these young negotiators have compiled a list of demands that includes everything from basic survival gear to ludicrously lavish items reminiscent of…

Ah, Halloween, the spookiest night of the year! Nevertheless, this joyous occasion has become a haunting reminder of haves vs. the plight of the mass. But fear not, dear readers! We've got some tips on how you can celebrate Halloween when life is a never-ending nightmare. Costume Creativity: When designer clothes are reserved for the elite, it's time to embrace your inner fashionista and craft your costume with whatever scraps you can find in the waste around you. Who needs an expensive Batman costume when you can be "Cardboard Crusader," complete with a pizza box cape! Remember, authenticity is key – paint on a grim expression to match the world outside. Trick-or-Treating Tactics: With the majority of the population scavenging for crumbs, trick-or-treating has taken on a whole new meaning. Instead of knocking on doors for candy, consider knocking on the steel doors of the corporate skyscrapers! They've got the goods! Just be sure to avoid the security guards, who are even scarier than your costume. Pumpkin Possibilities: Pumpkins are a symbol of Halloween, but…